New Blog

i've been finding it harder and harder to blog here, mainly because i currently dont feel like the same person that created this blog 3 years ago.

But that isnt anything bad, change is definitely good. Just, noticing the small changes like that makes me feel a little bit odd, it just reminds me a lot that my parents were right from the beginning, and that i should have listened to what they said earlier, but no matter. i am happy with all the mistakes i've dealt with and the ones i havent.

The me 3 years ago..

And the me now.

Although basing these things on merely just appearances doesn't do much haha.

And defiantly not the same person i was 7 years ago ;)

Oh, all that teenage angst. i now know what all the adults were complaining about.. hahaha god i was a horrible teenager.

Well heres a link to my new blog!

If you're still interested in my random rants, photos and everything else about my life then please feel free to follow on =D

http://chapter2020.wordpress.com/

I See The Light

Rapunzel:
All those days watching from the windows
All those years outside looking in
All that time never even knowing
Just how blind I've been
Now I'm here, blinking in the starlight
Now I'm here, suddenly I see
Standing here, it's oh so clear
I'm where I'm meant to be
(Chorus)
And at last I see the light
And it's like the fog has lifted
And at last I see the light
And it's like the sky is new
And it's warm and real and bright
And the world has somehow shifted

All at once everything looks different
Now that I see you

Eugene(Flynn):
All those days chasing down a daydream
All those years living in a blur
[. From: http://www.elyrics.net .]
All that time never truly seeing
Things, the way they were
Now she's here shining in the starlight
Now she's here, suddenly I know

If she's here it's crystal clear
I'm where I'm meant to go

Rapunzel & Eugene (Flynn):
And at last I see the light

Eugene (Flynn):
And it's like the fog is lifted

Rapunzel & Eugene (Flynn):
And at last I see the light

Rapunzel:
And it's like the sky is new

Rapunzel & Eugene (Flynn):
And it's warm and real and bright
And the world has somehow shifted

All at once, everything is different
Now that I see you,
Now that I see you!

Just a rough sketch, i might redraw it and colour it though.

I'm sooo in love with this song at the moment

chapter, chapter

i named all of my chapters =D teehehe.
im just excited that im almost at the point where i could finally start sending it off to some friends to read.
i wrote a couple of chapters, but i had to fill in the blanks, and now that i have, and continue the story along, it just feels as though a big brick has lifted off me :)

feels so good.
i wanted the titles of the chapters to be a play on words, which relates to the chapter as well. i find it fun trying to come up with them bwaahha, but i think some need a little more imagination to it.

Anyways, its 2.30am, and there is a gianatical lasanga in the oven with my name written all over it..
well not yet.. BUT IT WILL BE O_O!

where did all the food entries go?

knowing someone SO well that you both say the same thing at the same time.

That is true friendship.

And to remind myself later what all this means.
i asked lana to help me out on my book. i asked her if my male character were an animal, what animal would he be. and if my female character were an animal what would she be.
i said my answer without waiting for hers
and she answered my question.

And we both said the same thing, an eagle and a black panther.

then we both loled at the idea for 5 minutes or more that we both happened to say the same thing.
i would screenshot it, but i wrote 'egal' not 'eagle' LOL!!!!!!!!!!

but its just crazy she knows me and my characters so well.


Also, im marveled at a lot of other things this week too.
That types of elements can 'move' someone.
it might just be the fact that this week, im feeling like such a women... you know, moody and stuff.
But i found myself crying to the current book im reading... in public.

then i watched a movie, which was shit, but it still managed to scare me, leaving my heart racing and paniced.

Then i listened to music that made me want to cry and dance in joy.

VERY EMOTIONAL NAT lol. but i find it amazing. that something like that feels like such a drug.

i also am amazing at how inspiration comes to me (i only say myself in this because i dont know how other people get inspirations)
but lately, i've found pieces of works, and such of that sort, things that bring me to create more! :)
i love being inspired. just an empowering feeling.

oh, and i saw some old naked photos of myself recently. and felt horrible. not because i was naked.. sorta. but because the person im looking at is not the person i am now. which is good and bad.
who i am now wouldnt do that anymore.. sorta. LOL!
but, the person i am now does not have the confidence to do that anymore... its completely gone. i dont feel sexy anymore, i dont love my body as much as i use to.
and i find that devastating!!!

BAH ! ohwell;
i shall continue my readings and blog some other time. but i think i might change my blog around. its been getting more personal and less um.. subject related?
Night y'all

the geek in my blooms.

Writers block gone. Reading helps A LOT!
i finally put my foot down and listened while reading to Jane Eyre, now there is a British women narrating my thoughts, which is pretty gosh darn cool.

But i should mention my life outside of my writing shell. cause i've had quite a lot of work recently.

1) i was modeling for my friends shoot.
And i can tell you, That was HARD WORK!!!
it was completely out of my comfort, because im pretending to be Rhianna, who i dont really like.. i mean, shes gorgeous, don't get me wrong. but i just never fancied her. ever.
i had to hold in my bloated belly, wore the highest heels, like i swear you could not walk let alone stand in them. and it have my whole body covered in make up. cause im a sorta pale asian. sorta..

But it was a good experience.
i would much perfer being behind the camera. or dressing up as someone i like =D
like Angelina Jolie <3 p="">
but man, this experience really made me want plastic surgery.. lol! i really dont like my face. and im not just saying that to get all that sympathy.. but seriously, from an artist point of view, my face is so boring, able to be manipulated.. my eyes are so small and my nose is so big.
but i dont care too much, if i cant do things to myself i can easily do it to someone else and take photos of that =P just, sometimes creativity comes at unwanted unnecessary times.

2) i had another paid photoshoot :)

and scheduled for 2 more soon.

3) Had a little shoot with my lovely model Hairly.

shes been feeling iffy about her braces, but i actually love it on her. i think braces are beautiful =D
and the photo above came out just the way i had envisioned it.

 This one was actually weird. you know when you say a word so many times in a row, the word then gets confusing and weird? well i was watching Hairlys arm there for so long that it started to look so strange and out of place, like my eyes were going crazy and the had detached her arm and it was hanging off her head or something.

And cause of all these recent photos uploaded onto my facebook, i've gotten 2 other people asking me for photos, gotta love facebook hey ;)

4) After staying up for like.. 2 days or something i thought i would continue my creative spur, while i still had it, with some drawings.

drawn with what i use to call 'a pazor'...?? or what people actually calls them - mechanical pencil!
the hair was the biggest bitch of all. stupid hair..
im still pissed it doesnt look 100% like her. >=(!!!

5) as my love for classical music bloomed, i was able to go to the symphony =D

it was an amazing show.
and i couldnt believe they played one of the songs that have been on my repeat list on itunes =D!!

6) i was able to catch up with lots of my girlfriends
was able to see Tina, Gillian, Lana, Stella and Hairly all in one week.

7) My car died again... in campise AGAIN!
CPU fucked up, needed to get it replaced. costed $1300, so im broke for the next couple of weeks :( mooo..

8) im up to my 15th chapter... BOO-YEAH! =D so proud of myself.
but it dawned on me...
This story im writing is my life. literally..
its where i go to when i dream, its where i go to when im depressed, its where i wanted to go to all those times i had suicidal thoughts..
and now its being written down, over 10 years worth of memory about something that never existed..

What if people dont like it? (not that i should care, its written for me...)
What if it ends though... then what?
it would feel like my life is completely over..
when i go to sleep after, and have my lucid dreams, where would i go then?

i dont know if anyone could ever relate to that..

maybe people with mental health issues...

speaking of which.
9) My dad spoke to me the other day about our family.. and he, in a way, referred to me as a disabled person. i mean, not that he said that... he just said "and you being the way you are"
but i knew what he was talking about... and thats what he meant..
but i never really thought i was that type of burden.. but i guess i am.
i mean, not that i need someone looking after me all the time. and im not as bad as being 'disabled' sounds..
but i know im not 'normal'
or then i would have a full time job, and my dad wouldnt have said that...

it makes me a little sad, that i cant help out the way i want...
but i cant change the way i am,
unless im on drugs or something? lol!!

Somebody give me drugs already >=(!!!

Anywhosallbeez,
Off to dream some more =D

Sorry if that got a little depressing, i didnt mean it to be. just thought i'd blog about EVERYTHING and look back of in later and slap my today self from the future.
NIGHT

Writers road block

I have finally hit a small writers block. and its sorta killing me on the inside. maybe because its getting much too cold to stay on the computer for long enough to push out a couple more chapters, or that im trying to write a part that i havent dreamt up yet.. so i'd be going off completely improvisation.. Man, stupid blank mind.
but on better side of things, i've picked up a couple of more books to read.
The last song by Nicholas Sparks (its about love and music. stuff im writing about.. so i hope it helps. also, if its as good as save haven, than i am very excited)
Gossip girl, the second book. i dont know about that one. it is very easy to read and follow, but the writing in it isnt the best... still.. it is very easy to get through.
Grace Notes, another book about music. this book complicates my mind just a little, because it has no chapters... so i never know when to stop or start. and im 1/4 way though and its stuck on the same subject, which is death... its making it hard to keep wanting to read it :(
Romeo & Juliet as well as A midsummer's night dream, my goal one day is to finally be able to understand Shakespeare
Jane Eyre on audiobook, which sounds sooo interesting atm, but its soooo hard to follow while im multitasking. but i might purchase a hardcover copy when i get a chance to go into a book store (because book stores are so hard to find these days)
and "the Secret Caselle Baby", lol, tina use to love reading those types of books, and i thought i would actually pick one up today while shopping.. and i read the first line in a random page..
"breathing unevenly, he flung his head back, nostrils flared, eyes half closed before cupping those breasts in his big hands and rubbing......" well.. you know...
After i read that i thought i just had to buy it now.. LOL!!!!!!!!!
its for my research!! i promise ;) hahaha..

and i also have some books my friends have lend me! =D which i should get too one day :( but i keep picking up more books from the library..


Anyways, so, i went shopping today.. and i swear it felt like the weirdest thing to do now. because i had no idea what to do?
i didnt need anymore clothes, i dont need nor can afford any more electronics... i shouldnt really be buying books, mainly because i can rent them at the library. the book i got was 6$ so its not too bad..
and i really dont need or want anything else.. i think the only thing i would have gotten if i were at a place like bunnings or spotlight were material for my cosplay. but other than that, the shops feel like nothing to me at the moment....
Maybe i've kicked my shopping addiction!!!! :O! omg.

Bahh anyways, failed attempt at writing.. i might just go and read or something.

chat soon!

chapter 11

Oh yeah!! on a roll!!! =D! 34 pages into my writing, and 11 chapters down. god.. writing is fun. makes me blush and feel butterflies and all that stuff.

i also spent yesterday reading for 7 hours to finish my book. that was intense. but i don't think reading for that long is good, not that its not.. but that's a lot of stuff to process through all at once. that book was crazy tho.
i ended up picking up 'save haven' when i was in the library cause i wanted something dramatically romantic. and that was the only one there from Nickolaus sparks.
But it turns out that it wasnt as romantic as i thought, it was actually more scary and haunting... to me at least.. because it just reminded me of my past relationship.
and it made me feel so angry... the abusive husband in the story didnt know what he did wrong, he didnt know that hitting her was wrong and he shouldnt have done that in the first place. and that made me so angry because i was in that same spot. i was conviced that he wasnt hitting me or doing anything wrong. he tells me and everyone else that i was the crazy one, that i provoked him. but even so, you should never ever hit a women..
i thought i was strong before, but i know now that i will never be as strong as any man is...
the book just reminded me about all those shit that did happen. and shit did happen.

but while reading the book i kept turning to dave and feeling completely safe that im with a man like him. he is completely perfect... in all the good ways at least :)

even if i found someone who made more money, was hot as hell or gave me lady tinglies, it wouldn't matter, because in the end, he is who i feel 100% comfortable with.

ANYWAYS! should get to my writing. and to sleep... omg i need sleepppppppppp =(